OK...I know you all have been waiting to hear how my appointment went and I am trying to wrap my mind around all the information. My appointment ended up being three hours long.
But first I want to give you an update on my coworker. She is having surgery on Thursday, so please keep her in your thoughts as she tries to prepare herself for what is happening to her.
I will try to make this as brief but explicit as possible..
I still do not have a definite plan of attack but getting closer. I have other tests that need to happen to determine the strategy. I don't know if what I am explaining is exactly what I heard, but I will share this info and then get clarification on a few things and followup with a post later if necessary.
First, I will have a PET Scan on Thursday, August 2 to rule out whether cancer cells have escaped and traveled elsewhere. Then, Friday, August 3 will consist of implanting the porta-cath for chemo treatments and a sentinel lymph node biopsy (SLNB). The SLNB is about a three hour procedure in which blue dye is injected into the tumor site and the first node that picks up the dye is removed and biopsied. What happens if the PET Scan and/or the SLNB show that it has spread? I'm not sure...that is a question I have written down to call my oncologist's nurse first thing in the morning.
Chemotherapy will happen regardless of the results found. I don't want to go too in depth about this treatment until I am more clear on the above issues. I will say, however, that the doctor wants to treat this aggressively which means 8 total chemo treatments at two week intervals. So, basically, chemotherapy will be a minimum of 16 weeks. During this process, I will have genetic counseling and testing to see if I carry the BRCA1 cancer gene. If positive, then the doctors highly recommend that my ovaries be removed. I will leave it at that, because I will cross that bridge when I have to.
After chemo, the next step is surgery which will be a mastectomy or double mastectomy. I have thoughts on this but will talk about later. My doctor is also considering radiation after the surgery but that will be determined after everything else happens. Then after all of this, I will be on a hormone-blocker for 5 years. Cancer feeds on hormones and I guess by doing this, it will hopefully prevent reoccurrence or growth elsewhere. The ugly thing about this is that it will make me premenopausal. FUN!!
OK...this is what I know as of now and what I know may not be accurate, so don't be surprised if I recant what I say because each test/procedure/treatment is a process each their own, so we will just have to wait and see.
How am I feeling? Not much...this is still surreal and I am just doing what needs to be done. Don't get me wrong, it has become more real to both John and I since this appointment, but still has not hit us with the full impact.
Again, I have to say how appreciative, thankful and loved I feel for all the well wishes, concerns and offers of help. It all has kept my spirits high!!
'til my next post...
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Friday Catch Up
It is 4:00 in the morning now and I have been awake since 3:00, so I thought I would get up and catch you up on events and issues that I am going through instead of lying in bed letting my thoughts create anxiety.
Friday
My day started at 2:00 am. I woke up feeling anxious about my needs. I have been very fortunate that so many people want to help us however they can. I am so grateful for this, however, it is not easy for me to accept. While I was awake, my thoughts were swimming with "what are my needs, what are needs?". I have been really struggling with my pride and being humble. I have never been in this situation and I believe this is a test of my character. I get nauseous and my heart races just thinking about asking to have my needs met. See why I couldn't sleep! I would venture to say that there are many of you who can relate.
5:30 am came around and decided I had enough tossing and turning, so I got dressed and went for a walk with my dog. He was quite excited about that to say the least. During my walk I was thinking about work and not wanting to go and thinking about the next week with still not really knowing what the next steps were. I knew there was going to be surgery and knew that I have a lot of things to get done and want to do before this life changing event. So, I had decided that Friday was going to be my last day to begin my leave of absence. I felt this relief come over me that I didn't have to think about work any longer. I was able to start thinking about the things I want to do with my kids and around the house. I would relate it to nesting during pregnancy. :)
When I get to work to share that it was my last day, everyone was very understanding and supportive. I am so grateful for Columbia Insurance Group. They do truly value life and family! I finished up some odds and ends so that I did not leave anyone hanging during my time away.
I am taking five weeks off as of now to prepare for what is about to happen and to allow for healing and the unexpected. I am looking forward to a couple of days next week where I take my boys out of camp and go swimming and see a movie and hopefully play a lot of games with them while I am able to. Very excited about this!
In the evening John had a gig to go to (he is a drummer) and the boys and I went out to eat with my parents. Kalen, my youngest, wanted to stay the night with them, so Aden and I had the evening together. While driving home it was quiet in the car and it seems like a good time to give Aden a little more information as to what is happening. I first asked him if he understood what I told him a couple of days ago and he didn't answer so I started off by saying: "I have an icky disease in one of my boobies that I have to get rid of. I will have surgery to cut it off (he gasped and put his hand over his mouth...poor choice of words and back tracked to soften my words). I will be taking some medicine to try and kill the disease that will make me nauseous, throw up and be very tired. I will more than likely loose my hair." He got scared at that point and began to cry saying "I don't want you to loose your hair." I tried to comfort him by saying, "I won't look bald all the time, I will wear some cute hats and scarves to cover my head." We were almost home. "When we get inside Mommy wants to give you a big hug and hold you if that is okay?" And he nodded. He was quick to get inside, took his shoes off and ran over to me, sat on my lap and we squeezed each other for a long time. When he felt comforted he asked "Do you want to play a game?" "Absolutely, what game do you want to play?" I said. "I want play what you want to play." "How about Battleship?" "Okay, I will go get it." He ran downstairs got the game and we played. This seemed to be very comforting to him. After the game, he walked over to me to give me a hug and started to cry saying, "I don't want you to be bald." I asked why. "Because you are very, very beautiful with long hair." Wow, that melted my heart. "Will it grow back?" I reassured him that it would.
He has been very close to me ever since and I love how much he is affectionate. I asked him not to say anything to Kalen until I talk to him because I want to be able to answer his questions. He said, "Okay, will try hard not to."
Wooh, that was my Friday in a nutshell. I will share Saturday soon. It is now 5:30 and I want to try to go back to sleep.
Love and hugs to you all!
Friday
My day started at 2:00 am. I woke up feeling anxious about my needs. I have been very fortunate that so many people want to help us however they can. I am so grateful for this, however, it is not easy for me to accept. While I was awake, my thoughts were swimming with "what are my needs, what are needs?". I have been really struggling with my pride and being humble. I have never been in this situation and I believe this is a test of my character. I get nauseous and my heart races just thinking about asking to have my needs met. See why I couldn't sleep! I would venture to say that there are many of you who can relate.
5:30 am came around and decided I had enough tossing and turning, so I got dressed and went for a walk with my dog. He was quite excited about that to say the least. During my walk I was thinking about work and not wanting to go and thinking about the next week with still not really knowing what the next steps were. I knew there was going to be surgery and knew that I have a lot of things to get done and want to do before this life changing event. So, I had decided that Friday was going to be my last day to begin my leave of absence. I felt this relief come over me that I didn't have to think about work any longer. I was able to start thinking about the things I want to do with my kids and around the house. I would relate it to nesting during pregnancy. :)
When I get to work to share that it was my last day, everyone was very understanding and supportive. I am so grateful for Columbia Insurance Group. They do truly value life and family! I finished up some odds and ends so that I did not leave anyone hanging during my time away.
I am taking five weeks off as of now to prepare for what is about to happen and to allow for healing and the unexpected. I am looking forward to a couple of days next week where I take my boys out of camp and go swimming and see a movie and hopefully play a lot of games with them while I am able to. Very excited about this!
In the evening John had a gig to go to (he is a drummer) and the boys and I went out to eat with my parents. Kalen, my youngest, wanted to stay the night with them, so Aden and I had the evening together. While driving home it was quiet in the car and it seems like a good time to give Aden a little more information as to what is happening. I first asked him if he understood what I told him a couple of days ago and he didn't answer so I started off by saying: "I have an icky disease in one of my boobies that I have to get rid of. I will have surgery to cut it off (he gasped and put his hand over his mouth...poor choice of words and back tracked to soften my words). I will be taking some medicine to try and kill the disease that will make me nauseous, throw up and be very tired. I will more than likely loose my hair." He got scared at that point and began to cry saying "I don't want you to loose your hair." I tried to comfort him by saying, "I won't look bald all the time, I will wear some cute hats and scarves to cover my head." We were almost home. "When we get inside Mommy wants to give you a big hug and hold you if that is okay?" And he nodded. He was quick to get inside, took his shoes off and ran over to me, sat on my lap and we squeezed each other for a long time. When he felt comforted he asked "Do you want to play a game?" "Absolutely, what game do you want to play?" I said. "I want play what you want to play." "How about Battleship?" "Okay, I will go get it." He ran downstairs got the game and we played. This seemed to be very comforting to him. After the game, he walked over to me to give me a hug and started to cry saying, "I don't want you to be bald." I asked why. "Because you are very, very beautiful with long hair." Wow, that melted my heart. "Will it grow back?" I reassured him that it would.
He has been very close to me ever since and I love how much he is affectionate. I asked him not to say anything to Kalen until I talk to him because I want to be able to answer his questions. He said, "Okay, will try hard not to."
Wooh, that was my Friday in a nutshell. I will share Saturday soon. It is now 5:30 and I want to try to go back to sleep.
Love and hugs to you all!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Update After Surgeon Appointment
I have a lot of things swirling through my head right now. Visiting with the surgeon went well and she was very informative. . .almost too informative. I have so much stuff going through my head to process, it is making me tired. I almost went to lay down and take a nap, but that didn't seem like a good idea for me.
Anyway, where to start...
Diagnosis - Poorly Differentiated Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
Basically IDC is the most common form of breast cancer, however, being poorly differentiated means that the cancer cells are aggressive and rapidly dividing.
Stage - Clinical Stage 2
It is considered Stage 2 right now because of the size of the one mass which is 4 cm and being that there are two separate masses. (She does not think that one stems from the other. She believes they are two separate cancers.) She will not have the true staging until after surgery to test other things...mainly the lymph nodes, however, those are looking good based on the MRI. But will test them in surgery as well.
Treatment - This is not so cut and dry...I have options. You would think that would be good, but now I need to get another opinion and make a decision then. What I do know...there will be surgery and chemo. Just not sure in what order yet. It will for sure be a mastectomy but seeking another opinion on a possible double mastectomy. I am prepared for the double mastectomy.
Next Steps - I have an appointment setup for Tuesday, July 31 to talk with an oncologist to get his opinion of my case and help determine in what order would be best for treatment. I have a tentative surgery date scheduled for Friday, August 3. Depending on what I decide, that day will either be the full surgery or just putting the port in for chemo treatments.
That is all I can think of right now to tell you. If you have questions feel free to post a comment because others may have the same questions and I will try and answer it for you. Thank you all again for the prayers and thoughts. It sounds as though I have caught this early which means I just have to do what I need to do to prevent any reoccurrence.
Still a long road ahead and would love your continued support!! Love and Hugs!
Anyway, where to start...
Diagnosis - Poorly Differentiated Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
Basically IDC is the most common form of breast cancer, however, being poorly differentiated means that the cancer cells are aggressive and rapidly dividing.
Stage - Clinical Stage 2
It is considered Stage 2 right now because of the size of the one mass which is 4 cm and being that there are two separate masses. (She does not think that one stems from the other. She believes they are two separate cancers.) She will not have the true staging until after surgery to test other things...mainly the lymph nodes, however, those are looking good based on the MRI. But will test them in surgery as well.
Treatment - This is not so cut and dry...I have options. You would think that would be good, but now I need to get another opinion and make a decision then. What I do know...there will be surgery and chemo. Just not sure in what order yet. It will for sure be a mastectomy but seeking another opinion on a possible double mastectomy. I am prepared for the double mastectomy.
Next Steps - I have an appointment setup for Tuesday, July 31 to talk with an oncologist to get his opinion of my case and help determine in what order would be best for treatment. I have a tentative surgery date scheduled for Friday, August 3. Depending on what I decide, that day will either be the full surgery or just putting the port in for chemo treatments.
That is all I can think of right now to tell you. If you have questions feel free to post a comment because others may have the same questions and I will try and answer it for you. Thank you all again for the prayers and thoughts. It sounds as though I have caught this early which means I just have to do what I need to do to prevent any reoccurrence.
Still a long road ahead and would love your continued support!! Love and Hugs!
Emotional Day Yesterday
I was hit with a lot of sad news yesterday. First, my nephew's girlfriend's mother had a heart attach and passed away. She has lost her mother at a very young age and pray for comfort and understanding for her and her family.
Second, it was brought to my attention that a coworker found out yesterday at work that she has breast cancer. How uncanny is that! Two weeks on the day I found out. I was eager to visit with her just to give her a hug and to let her know that I will walk through this with her. I do not know her very well, but during our visit I could tell that she is a strong, independent woman just as I am. It was interesting for me to be on the other side of comforting and supporting her, however, it helped me to understand how so many of you are feeling as I go through this. I am so blessed!
Lastly, my dad told me that a friend of his' daughter passed away of breast cancer. His friend had sent a very nice message when he found out I have breast cancer. I just had to e-mail him my sympathies.
You may think why did my dad tell me this, but that is his way of showing concern. When he was telling me this, I could tell that he was scared. He won't admit that though...will you Dad? :) When I was leaving to go home from work, I felt that I needed to stop by and give him a hug to reassure him that I am going to be okay. I could only imagine what was going through his head sitting home alone with all of this terrible news. It was a good visit and I'm glad I went over.
Well, in two hours I will know more of what is to come. Thank you to everyone that is sending me messages yesterday and today to tell me they are thinking of me and praying. It truly does mean so much to me.
Love to you all and I will share what I find out as soon as I can.
Second, it was brought to my attention that a coworker found out yesterday at work that she has breast cancer. How uncanny is that! Two weeks on the day I found out. I was eager to visit with her just to give her a hug and to let her know that I will walk through this with her. I do not know her very well, but during our visit I could tell that she is a strong, independent woman just as I am. It was interesting for me to be on the other side of comforting and supporting her, however, it helped me to understand how so many of you are feeling as I go through this. I am so blessed!
Lastly, my dad told me that a friend of his' daughter passed away of breast cancer. His friend had sent a very nice message when he found out I have breast cancer. I just had to e-mail him my sympathies.
You may think why did my dad tell me this, but that is his way of showing concern. When he was telling me this, I could tell that he was scared. He won't admit that though...will you Dad? :) When I was leaving to go home from work, I felt that I needed to stop by and give him a hug to reassure him that I am going to be okay. I could only imagine what was going through his head sitting home alone with all of this terrible news. It was a good visit and I'm glad I went over.
Well, in two hours I will know more of what is to come. Thank you to everyone that is sending me messages yesterday and today to tell me they are thinking of me and praying. It truly does mean so much to me.
Love to you all and I will share what I find out as soon as I can.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Prayer
Lord, you have surrounded me with loving, caring people to support me during this time and I know they are greatly concerned for me, so I pray that you will put your arms around each of them and give them a sense of calm and surety that You have a plan and will take good care of me. I pray this in Your Son's Name. Amen.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Telling the Boys
I really struggles with what, when and how to tell the boys. I did not want to scare them or disrupt their childhood, but I also didn't want to keep them in the dark because I knew they were going to start seeing things look different. I prayed asking for the right time and words to talk with them. I also sought out guidance from a wonderful counselor on how to handle the situation.
I didn't know when it was going to happen, but a moment arose after John and I helped Aden work through a meltdown last Saturday. We called Kalen, my youngest, into the room so that we could tell them both. We told them that Mommy found out that she is sick and that she will be going to the doctor a lot. We also said that they will probably see more people around us visiting and caring for us. We said that Mommy will be okay and that we do not have a lot of information right now, but will let them know more when we find out more.
They didn't really have a reaction or questions. I think it is because Mommy doesn't look sick. A few days later, Aden came up to me and gave me a hug saying that he doesn't want me to go to the doctor. I told him that Mommy needs to go to the doctor so that they can make me better. Again he said he didn't want me to go to the doctor. I asked him why and he said that I would not be able to play with him very much. I gave him a big hug and said let's do a lot of playing now and see what happens later.
I love my boys!!
I didn't know when it was going to happen, but a moment arose after John and I helped Aden work through a meltdown last Saturday. We called Kalen, my youngest, into the room so that we could tell them both. We told them that Mommy found out that she is sick and that she will be going to the doctor a lot. We also said that they will probably see more people around us visiting and caring for us. We said that Mommy will be okay and that we do not have a lot of information right now, but will let them know more when we find out more.
They didn't really have a reaction or questions. I think it is because Mommy doesn't look sick. A few days later, Aden came up to me and gave me a hug saying that he doesn't want me to go to the doctor. I told him that Mommy needs to go to the doctor so that they can make me better. Again he said he didn't want me to go to the doctor. I asked him why and he said that I would not be able to play with him very much. I gave him a big hug and said let's do a lot of playing now and see what happens later.
I love my boys!!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Nothing
I'm not feeling much in the mood for thinking really hard about what I want to say. I'm just tired and want to go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow. I do want to let you know what we told our boys about what is going on since several people have asked. So I will keep you in suspense until that time.
Good night!
Good night!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
MRI Results
My doctor called and let me know that nothing new was found with the MRI. My other breast does not have any signs of concern, so it is just the lump and lesion in the one breast. Finally, some good news! Thank you all for your prayers and concern. Keep them coming!
Now I just have to wait until next Thursday for my appointment with the surgeon.
Now I just have to wait until next Thursday for my appointment with the surgeon.
Early Morning Thoughts
I woke up at 3:00 this morning and laid there for an hour trying to go back to sleep. It didn't work, so I am up now to reflect on what has been going through my head.
I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach, I thought it was just that I was hungry because I have not been eating very well; mostly quick foods like cereal and soda. I know...not good! But then as my mind started to wander, I wondered if it was anxiety or something. It must be because I love my sleep and being up at this hour is atypical for me.
I am going to work this morning, so that could be the culprit. I'm anxious to know how people will react and interact with me. Will they pretend that they do not know and act like everything is normal or will I be bombarded with expressions of concern. I'm not exactly sure what I want. I think I would feel more comfortable if people just let me know that they know. That will break the awkwardness. So if my coworkers are reading this, don't be afraid to come up to me. I'm ready!
I had my MRI last night. It was not fun. I was challenged physically and mentally. I get there and have to answer a lot of questions which heightened my anxiety that I didn't know I had. I didn't realize that I was going to have an IV for the contrast dye. I think that made it more real/serious to me because the only other time I knew about an IV for an MRI was when my mom found out she had lung cancer. Remembering her experiences and pain, scares me because I start to think about what I will probably have to go through as well.
I think about how possible chemo could incapacitate my normal abilities and cause me to rely on others for help and become a burden. Those are ugly, nasty feelings that I am grappling with to prepare myself if/when that time comes. I could just deny those feelings and try to feel only positive feeling but I know they will make their way to the surface at some point, so I need to struggle with them now.
Back to the MRI...I did not realize how loud the machine was! The girl stated it would be loud and offered me ear plugs and/or headphones for music but I opted only for headphone...I will ask for both next time. WOW it was really loud! Sometimes it felt like I was standing right next to a fire alarm that has a honking, buzzing sound (not sure how else to describe it). I was fine for the first 10 minutes but by the end of the 30 minutes of constant irritating noise, I was drained. My brain was done for the rest of the night. Don't get me wrong, I persevered and did not move or complain (that's my competitive nature), but it was a challenge. I had to try and preoccupy my mind with other thoughts so that I didn't focus on what was happening and that I wanted to move this part of my body or just come unglued. I have a high tolerance for pain, but irritating noises not so much.
I was told I will not get results for a couple of days, so I am thinking, by Friday morning, if I do not hear anything, then I will call and see if they will tell me anything. I will keep you posted.
I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach, I thought it was just that I was hungry because I have not been eating very well; mostly quick foods like cereal and soda. I know...not good! But then as my mind started to wander, I wondered if it was anxiety or something. It must be because I love my sleep and being up at this hour is atypical for me.
I am going to work this morning, so that could be the culprit. I'm anxious to know how people will react and interact with me. Will they pretend that they do not know and act like everything is normal or will I be bombarded with expressions of concern. I'm not exactly sure what I want. I think I would feel more comfortable if people just let me know that they know. That will break the awkwardness. So if my coworkers are reading this, don't be afraid to come up to me. I'm ready!
I had my MRI last night. It was not fun. I was challenged physically and mentally. I get there and have to answer a lot of questions which heightened my anxiety that I didn't know I had. I didn't realize that I was going to have an IV for the contrast dye. I think that made it more real/serious to me because the only other time I knew about an IV for an MRI was when my mom found out she had lung cancer. Remembering her experiences and pain, scares me because I start to think about what I will probably have to go through as well.
I think about how possible chemo could incapacitate my normal abilities and cause me to rely on others for help and become a burden. Those are ugly, nasty feelings that I am grappling with to prepare myself if/when that time comes. I could just deny those feelings and try to feel only positive feeling but I know they will make their way to the surface at some point, so I need to struggle with them now.
Back to the MRI...I did not realize how loud the machine was! The girl stated it would be loud and offered me ear plugs and/or headphones for music but I opted only for headphone...I will ask for both next time. WOW it was really loud! Sometimes it felt like I was standing right next to a fire alarm that has a honking, buzzing sound (not sure how else to describe it). I was fine for the first 10 minutes but by the end of the 30 minutes of constant irritating noise, I was drained. My brain was done for the rest of the night. Don't get me wrong, I persevered and did not move or complain (that's my competitive nature), but it was a challenge. I had to try and preoccupy my mind with other thoughts so that I didn't focus on what was happening and that I wanted to move this part of my body or just come unglued. I have a high tolerance for pain, but irritating noises not so much.
I was told I will not get results for a couple of days, so I am thinking, by Friday morning, if I do not hear anything, then I will call and see if they will tell me anything. I will keep you posted.
Curiosity
I was at my hairdresser's today getting a hair cut. I have known her for many years so she knows various events that have happened to me over that time.
In my head, I was wondering how to tell her...Did she already know or do I need to structure my announcement to prepare her? Well, she made it easy. Right from the start she let me know that she knew. That relieved the tension for me and then we just started talking about it. I was open to share anything that she had questions to. At one point while I was having my eyebrows waxed, I asked her if she wanted to feel the lump. She jumped at the opportunity because she just wanted to know what it felt like. It was a change for her to feel something like that and maybe help her understand what to look for when she does her own self-exams. It didn't bother me a bit. Disclaimer...I know that all lumps are not the same and does not mean the same results would happen; I just understand the curiosity of it.
So I am letting my LADY friends know that if you are just as curious to feel it, just ask. Sorry guys, the offer does not extend to you. :)
In my head, I was wondering how to tell her...Did she already know or do I need to structure my announcement to prepare her? Well, she made it easy. Right from the start she let me know that she knew. That relieved the tension for me and then we just started talking about it. I was open to share anything that she had questions to. At one point while I was having my eyebrows waxed, I asked her if she wanted to feel the lump. She jumped at the opportunity because she just wanted to know what it felt like. It was a change for her to feel something like that and maybe help her understand what to look for when she does her own self-exams. It didn't bother me a bit. Disclaimer...I know that all lumps are not the same and does not mean the same results would happen; I just understand the curiosity of it.
So I am letting my LADY friends know that if you are just as curious to feel it, just ask. Sorry guys, the offer does not extend to you. :)
Monday, July 16, 2012
Update
Most of you would be very proud of me. I am being assertive with my health. Since my appointment with the breast surgeon is not until Thursday, July 26th, I wanted to find out if there was more testing to be done while I wait.
I called by gynecologist who has been helping me walk through this while I wait to see the surgeon. I asked her if she knew of any other tests that she thinks the surgeon would want before surgery so that I can get it done prior to seeing her. I am having difficulty waiting, then finding out I would have to wait some more. She got me set up for a breast MRI tomorrow evening. I feel a little more relieved that progress is being made.
I don't know if this will yield any immediate answers for me, but it's another step.
I called by gynecologist who has been helping me walk through this while I wait to see the surgeon. I asked her if she knew of any other tests that she thinks the surgeon would want before surgery so that I can get it done prior to seeing her. I am having difficulty waiting, then finding out I would have to wait some more. She got me set up for a breast MRI tomorrow evening. I feel a little more relieved that progress is being made.
I don't know if this will yield any immediate answers for me, but it's another step.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
On Top of the World
In the past 24 hours I have been receiving an out-pouring of love, support and encouragement from so many people. Not only people that know me but complete strangers as well. It feels incredible to know how much I am loved. I wish that everyone could feel this everyday...everyone being so kind. More of this needs to be spread to all that are close to us. We are all hurting in some way or another and people expressing love to each other would mean so much. It hasn't been like this all day, but man, it feels good.
I am not one who expresses a lot of emotion publicly or privately. I like to appear stoic and show that I have everything together. That did not happen today, but I didn't care, I was surrounded by people who love me and they just cried with me. This would be my Woodcrest church family. John and I go into church this morning, running late as usual, like we have everything together. The awesome music that was played just would not let me stay strong. I was crying, not tears building up but tears rolling down my cheeks. Again this is not normal for me. (I didn't realize the headaches that I get after sobbing. I hope that goes away over time as I cry more and more. Otherwise that part is going to suck!)
Anyway, the topic discussed was about leadership. I thought, oh, I can handle this it will not have any relevance to what I am dealing with now. Wrong...the last song that our awesome band performed was called Afterlife by Switchfoot. You may be thinking, "That sounds morbid at a time like this", but that is not how I see it. Hear the song at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6z-H3_hgEU. The chorus is this:
Everyday
The world is made
A chance to change
But I feel the same
And I wonder why
would I wait till I die
to come alive?
I'm ready now
I'm not waiting for the afterlife
This was poignant to me because for a very long time I have been in a depression not knowing what my place is in this world and feeling insignificant. I was not excited to get out of bed for another day of the same old same old. I felt like I had no purpose. I believed there was more for me but just didn't know what it was. For about a month I have been praying to God "Open my eyes, my mind and my heart to Your will. Let me know what it is that you want from me. Why am I here?"
When I was diagnosed, yes, it was a shock and yes, I know I will be feeling all of the emotions that are more that what is on my Feelings Chart, but I felt like this is what I'm here for. I don't know what the end result will be or what it is that God is doing through me, but I feel I have a purpose now. I now welcome people to see me and know who I am because I have something to share.
I am seeing life in a whole new perspective. I see my kids now with new eyes, I feel my husband's love with a softer heart and I know there is something good to be done by this.
Again, some of you may be thinking that I am delusional at this phase. Maybe, but this is what keeps me going right now.
I am loving life at this moment and taking it all in. I'm ready now and I'm not waiting for the afterlife.
I am not one who expresses a lot of emotion publicly or privately. I like to appear stoic and show that I have everything together. That did not happen today, but I didn't care, I was surrounded by people who love me and they just cried with me. This would be my Woodcrest church family. John and I go into church this morning, running late as usual, like we have everything together. The awesome music that was played just would not let me stay strong. I was crying, not tears building up but tears rolling down my cheeks. Again this is not normal for me. (I didn't realize the headaches that I get after sobbing. I hope that goes away over time as I cry more and more. Otherwise that part is going to suck!)
Anyway, the topic discussed was about leadership. I thought, oh, I can handle this it will not have any relevance to what I am dealing with now. Wrong...the last song that our awesome band performed was called Afterlife by Switchfoot. You may be thinking, "That sounds morbid at a time like this", but that is not how I see it. Hear the song at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6z-H3_hgEU. The chorus is this:
Everyday
The world is made
A chance to change
But I feel the same
And I wonder why
would I wait till I die
to come alive?
I'm ready now
I'm not waiting for the afterlife
This was poignant to me because for a very long time I have been in a depression not knowing what my place is in this world and feeling insignificant. I was not excited to get out of bed for another day of the same old same old. I felt like I had no purpose. I believed there was more for me but just didn't know what it was. For about a month I have been praying to God "Open my eyes, my mind and my heart to Your will. Let me know what it is that you want from me. Why am I here?"
When I was diagnosed, yes, it was a shock and yes, I know I will be feeling all of the emotions that are more that what is on my Feelings Chart, but I felt like this is what I'm here for. I don't know what the end result will be or what it is that God is doing through me, but I feel I have a purpose now. I now welcome people to see me and know who I am because I have something to share.
I am seeing life in a whole new perspective. I see my kids now with new eyes, I feel my husband's love with a softer heart and I know there is something good to be done by this.
Again, some of you may be thinking that I am delusional at this phase. Maybe, but this is what keeps me going right now.
I am loving life at this moment and taking it all in. I'm ready now and I'm not waiting for the afterlife.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Delivering the News
I don't know about you but I never thought about the stress of letting people know bad news. Truly, it took some time for John and I to decide who, when and how to tell people. We are blessed with many friends and family that care deeply for us and wanting them all to know what was happening even though we didn't have a lot of information was important to us.
We had others feelings in mind as we wanted to tell them. We called or talked in person with immediate family and a few friends and then I constructed an e-mail to share the news with the rest of close family and friends. I have to admit that sending an e-mail was much easier. It gave people time to process and formulate their thoughts before talking with us. Telling people in the moment was difficult. We didn't know what they were in the middle of to break such news and each time we needed to put ourselves in their shoes as we told them so that we were sincere as they heard the news for the first time. Having to say it over and over again was numbing to a point. A few times we were consoling them, and that was okay, I was happy to feel what they were feeling in the moment. For me, I could feel their love through that. It was interesting to hear the various responses from everyone. Each person comes from different perspectives, so I was fascinated to experience that.
This whole feelings thing has been a challenge for me for years. The past couple of years, I have been discovering myself with God's help. I am learning to be in relationship with Him and others. I have been learning to identify, express and process my feelings and emotions. He knew what was coming and was preparing me. He has purposefully surrounded me with loving, gracious and caring people to support me during this time. God is so loving!
OK, I am tired now and can't think anymore. I will leave you at this and add more later.
We had others feelings in mind as we wanted to tell them. We called or talked in person with immediate family and a few friends and then I constructed an e-mail to share the news with the rest of close family and friends. I have to admit that sending an e-mail was much easier. It gave people time to process and formulate their thoughts before talking with us. Telling people in the moment was difficult. We didn't know what they were in the middle of to break such news and each time we needed to put ourselves in their shoes as we told them so that we were sincere as they heard the news for the first time. Having to say it over and over again was numbing to a point. A few times we were consoling them, and that was okay, I was happy to feel what they were feeling in the moment. For me, I could feel their love through that. It was interesting to hear the various responses from everyone. Each person comes from different perspectives, so I was fascinated to experience that.
This whole feelings thing has been a challenge for me for years. The past couple of years, I have been discovering myself with God's help. I am learning to be in relationship with Him and others. I have been learning to identify, express and process my feelings and emotions. He knew what was coming and was preparing me. He has purposefully surrounded me with loving, gracious and caring people to support me during this time. God is so loving!
OK, I am tired now and can't think anymore. I will leave you at this and add more later.
Discovering I Have Cancer
I was diagnosed with
breast cancer just three days ago. About two weeks prior to that I felt a lump
about the size of a walnut. I wasn't anxious to have it checked out
because I just thought it was a cyst that developed before my cycle and was
going to go away then. I'm young, no symptoms cancer wasn't on my mind. I was lovingly nudged by a few church friends and
my husband to have it looked at just for peace of mind. I reluctantly
went because I didn't want to waste $25 for them to say it was a cyst.
Friday the 6th, I saw my gynocologist and she wanted further tests
done just to rule anything out. Monday the 9th I had a mammogram and
ultrasound. (Side Note...what I am describing next is an account of the events. I am by no means looking back and blaming anyone.) During the mammogram, they needed another image taken of a
specific area. From there I had an ultrasound where the radiologist seemed more
concerned about a very small spot they detected than the large lump. She
was pretty certain it was all just fat necrosis but wanted
to biopsy the small spot just to be sure. While doing the
biopsy, which really wasn't that painful, she took five samples from that area
and still felt like it was fat necrosis based on the look of it. I
received a phone call from her the morning of Wednesday the 11th. I could
tell in her voice that she was stunned by the diagnosis. I was shocked
but not alarmed because I knew it was really small. She wanted to now
biopsy the lump. I went in the same day and a different radiologist
biopsied the lump. I tried to get some information from her about the
pathology results of the small area. I was told some things but all
the terminology was foreign to me so I still wasn't alarmed because
she seemed to downplay it to possibly not scare me but she doesn't understand
that I am a minimizer and I will not be alarmed unless they tell or show me to be. Anyway, (I hope there is not a word cap on one post) I didn't get
much out of her as she took 5 more samples from the lump. I couldn't read anything from her or the stenographer so still all good.
Friday the 13th, I was very anxious to get a phone call to hear that it was nothing. Well, I was shocked once more. When she told me the news I was once again in shock. (I do have to credit the radiologists for their quick delivery of the news and feel sad for them to have to give such news.) When I got off the phone, I broke down and started to hyperventilate. By the way, all this was happening at work. My co-workers were right there for me. I think I scared them because they have never seen me break down before. I have a wonderful boss who is concerned about my well-being and asked my two co-workers to drive me home to be with John.
I neglected to mention how I told my husband each time. I had to do it over the phone while we both were at work. The first diagnosis I think really caught him off guard and was stunned. I can not speak for him, so not sure what was going through his mind. When I called him with the second diagnosis, he heard it in my voice and wanted to be with me as soon as he could. He is something special as you will learn.
Your not getting a lot of feelings right now because really it is all shock. But just wait.
I meet with a breast surgeon on the 26th to determine next steps. Stay tuned.
I meet with a breast surgeon on the 26th to determine next steps. Stay tuned.
A Little About Me
I am a 37 year-old woman, wife and mother of 2 incredibly
awesome boys (6 and almost 9). What else do you want to know...I am
married to John, a wonderful, caring, loving and supportive man. We have
been married for 15 years (in August...close enough). I have worked for a
local insurance company for almost 11 years. I am mother to Aden, 9, who
is my boy with the biggest heart and Kalen, 6, who is my boy with curiosity
and mischievousness (try and say that 3 times fast).
I am a daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, cousin, niece, friend, coach (Aden's soccer team for one year and no more!), co-worker... Wow, do I have a lot of connections! This why I am doing this blog, for all of you!
If you want to know more about me, just ask.
Introduction
This is my first blog every so bare with me as I learn the dynamics of such a thing and as I share with you my journey with cancer. I am not what you call a writer. My posts will not make me a best-selling author and my grammar will not always be correct. So, read on if you dare!
Sharing like this is highly outside of my comfort zone, but I feel prompted to write about my journey with cancer as I experience it. Whatever I have to say may be raw at times and hard to read, but I plan to be open and vulnerable with my feelings as I process this situation I am faced with.
I know I am not the first nor the last to be diagnosed with breast cancer, however, I am dealing with it and I feel that what I share could be valuable and helpful to someone. In all honesty, I am doing this for myself, in order to experience my feelings and express them through words so that I will have a record of my reality. I am also doing this so that family and friends will be updated with what is happening.
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