It's summer, it's hot and the boys want to swim. What does that mean...swimsuit shopping.
Pre-cancer
For many years it has not been a fun venture finding that perfect bathing suit like it was in my early 20s when I had a very active metabolism. Trying on a bathing suit for me always brought about guilt and disgust with myself for not taking care of my body. I would sabotage fun at the pool with my boys by either not going at all or once I got there I didn't want to get up and into the pool for fear of people staring at me. Insecurity at its highest!
Post-cancer
A few days ago, I took my husband with me to find something since ultimately he is the one I am more concerned about how I look. We went to several stores and I never gave up because I knew I needed something for the holiday weekend. A few times John would ask if I was okay, knowing how prior years brought on depression. He is such a wonderful man! I told him that I was fine. I have accepted how I look (for now) and don't want it to keep me from having fun. He was a little stunned and taken aback. He said this was a totally different experience for him. I took that as a compliment.
It was difficult trying to find something that didn't over-emphasize my misshapen breast or irritate the radiated skin, but we did! I look forward to my time at the pool with my boys. I will have to let you know if the confidence sticks once I get there. :)
Next summer will be different with my new boobs!!!
Have a wonderful holiday weekend.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Survivor Story
I wrote a brief article about my journey for my Susan G. Komen local affiliate. This will give you a summary of my battle to kick caner's butt. I can't believe it will already be one year from when I was diagnosed with breast cancer on July 11, 2012.
http://www.komenmidmissouri.org/get-involved/volunteer/survivor-story-christina.html
http://www.komenmidmissouri.org/get-involved/volunteer/survivor-story-christina.html
Thyroid Update
It has been two weeks since starting treatment for hypothyroidism. This has been another up and down journey in regard to my energy level. My doctor has me on 175 mcg of Synthroid (generic name: Levothyroxine) right now. This is considered a high dosage since my thyroid level was at 25.3 (normal range 0.3-4.0). I feel like the drug is working. I have had more energetic days than fall-asleep-wherever-I-am ones. What sucks is that I was hoping it was going to be a steady increase to feeling better and better, but it seems that I will have a couple of really good days and look forward to the day and then I crash and that day consists of trying to stay awake and warm (the cold intolerance comes back). It just amazes me how much your thyroid runs the show physically and emotionally.
Because of my last post, I have heard from many women who tell me that they are on thyroid medication. I never knew this issue affected so many people. I definitely empathize with each and every one of you. Though, I feel reassured that things will get better after hearing your stories.
I pray that there are more better days to come sooner than later!
Because of my last post, I have heard from many women who tell me that they are on thyroid medication. I never knew this issue affected so many people. I definitely empathize with each and every one of you. Though, I feel reassured that things will get better after hearing your stories.
I pray that there are more better days to come sooner than later!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Hidden Culprit
During my oncology visit last week, my doctor decided to run some blood tests just to make sure he wasn't missing anything. He decided to run tests on my thyroid. Well...come to find out I have hypothyroidism. What I have learned from WebMD, symptoms are: feeling tired, sluggish or weak; irritability to tolerate cold (my husband and coworkers can attest to this issue); memory problems, depression, or problems concentrating; weight gain; among others. Any of those sound familiar from my last posting? What may have caused my thyroid to go out of whack was the radiation treatment. I talked with my radiation oncologist and he said my thyroid could have been affected since they radiated high up in my clavicle (collarbone) area. He won't say for sure that radiation was the cause, but if it was, I will probably have to be treated for hypothyroidism the rest of my life to keep it regulated.
This is what I am learning on my own right now. My oncologist does not treat me for this, so I will see my primary doctor and that doesn't happen until next Monday, June 17, 2013. I have this need to understand what it is now. I've also read some good news in that it is easily treated by taking thyroid medication and that I could see results within the first week and then most of the symptoms to be gone within two months. Hopefully, I will have more questions answered next week when I visit with my primary doctor.
It's great to know that there was a culprit or another culprit to these past few months. Hopefully, I will be able to process the emotional stuff a little easier (for lack of a better word) or quicker without my body screwing with me too.
I'm doing better today...I am productive...which for me tells me that I am coming out of the depressed state.
This is what I am learning on my own right now. My oncologist does not treat me for this, so I will see my primary doctor and that doesn't happen until next Monday, June 17, 2013. I have this need to understand what it is now. I've also read some good news in that it is easily treated by taking thyroid medication and that I could see results within the first week and then most of the symptoms to be gone within two months. Hopefully, I will have more questions answered next week when I visit with my primary doctor.
It's great to know that there was a culprit or another culprit to these past few months. Hopefully, I will be able to process the emotional stuff a little easier (for lack of a better word) or quicker without my body screwing with me too.
I'm doing better today...I am productive...which for me tells me that I am coming out of the depressed state.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Phase II of Cancer
So, I didn't know that there was a Phase II to this cancer thing, but it's true and I am in the midst of it. I had an oncology appointment, June 6, 2013; just my routine quarterly visit. I had several things to talk with him about concerning the effects of the Tamoxifen drug. I have been having numerous hot flashes all through the day, night sweats that when I wake up I am drenched, forgetfulness, major mood swings, fatigue and depression. That is a nasty combination to live life through and the boiling point erupted for me the past two days after about a month of suppressing the emotions or just thinking they would go away. Anger, irritation, frustration, worry and hopelessness all came to a head. I spoke with the counselor at Missouri Cancer Associates after my doctor appointment, and after visiting with her, she validated and verified what I was feeling was normal and expected. She wanted to remind me that I am still dealing with cancer. It is not over and all behind me. I am in what she called Phase II...the emotional stage.
Up til this point, I have been in survival mode. Doing whatever it took to survive and beat the cancer. Well, after radiation I felt that I had beaten it. I took all the necessary steps to rid my body of cancer. I thought I was done and life could move on. I went back to work; we sold our house and moved to a place that eliminated home-ownership stress; now things can go back to normal. However, in the short stint of calm and normalcy, the emotions and feelings found their way to the surface. I thought I was done with cancer in my mind but on the flip side didn't want cancer out of my life. I have gone through a lot to get where I am today. I can't just let that go and move on like it never happened. However, to me, it seems that everyone else has moved on thinking my journey has ended. As hard as this is to say, I feel abandoned by my family and friends. In my mind I know you haven't forgotten, but my feelings do not listen to my head. I feel selfish that I still need the attention, love and support that I got in the beginning. What do I do about this? I have to start asking for your help. As hard as it was to accept your help, asking for it is so much harder. I don't know what the help will consist of but hopefully I can figure that out soon.
I am at a raw point with my feelings and am choosing to share these with you to not scare you or expect you to fix anything. I just feel it is my place to be real, as my blog was intended to not only update family but also educate...share all aspects of the cancer journey.
Along with the feelings of abandonment; I worry/fear that my cancer will return. I know this is all normal as well, however, this is too real for me. In my most depressed state, I do not see myself in my boys future. I only see their and my husband's lives without me. These fears are more prominent right now. When I notice something different happening to me like forgetting things that use to never be an issue; my mind goes straight to thinking the cancer has metastasized. I fixate on these little things and it just brings me down emotionally. Shortly after my diagnosis, I checked my life insurance policy to see when it expires. 49 is the "magic number" that weighs on me. If cancer is going to take me early, then I want it to happen before then. I want to leave my family with financial security. Wow, that was hard to type. My stomach is feeling a little queasy after sharing that. But this is how deep and how far my mind goes dealing with my mortality.
I'm also grieving the loss of my life before cancer. The obliviousness of anything bad ever happening to me; the 20 pounds less of me and everything else that I am not now. I have had quite a physical appearance change and I was handling it well for awhile. I knew over time my hair would grow back, I would exercise and get healthy, I will have symmetrical, perky boobs. All of that is not happening soon enough for me. I do not feel like the same person because I do not look like the same person. I am having a hard time living in the moment and everything that it has to offer.
I am receiving counseling which helped me a few days ago and plan to see her for as long as necessary to make it through this phase.
This blog may not make a lot of sense and I can't seem to wrap it up in a nice bow so that it reads well. It's just what it is.
Up til this point, I have been in survival mode. Doing whatever it took to survive and beat the cancer. Well, after radiation I felt that I had beaten it. I took all the necessary steps to rid my body of cancer. I thought I was done and life could move on. I went back to work; we sold our house and moved to a place that eliminated home-ownership stress; now things can go back to normal. However, in the short stint of calm and normalcy, the emotions and feelings found their way to the surface. I thought I was done with cancer in my mind but on the flip side didn't want cancer out of my life. I have gone through a lot to get where I am today. I can't just let that go and move on like it never happened. However, to me, it seems that everyone else has moved on thinking my journey has ended. As hard as this is to say, I feel abandoned by my family and friends. In my mind I know you haven't forgotten, but my feelings do not listen to my head. I feel selfish that I still need the attention, love and support that I got in the beginning. What do I do about this? I have to start asking for your help. As hard as it was to accept your help, asking for it is so much harder. I don't know what the help will consist of but hopefully I can figure that out soon.
I am at a raw point with my feelings and am choosing to share these with you to not scare you or expect you to fix anything. I just feel it is my place to be real, as my blog was intended to not only update family but also educate...share all aspects of the cancer journey.
Along with the feelings of abandonment; I worry/fear that my cancer will return. I know this is all normal as well, however, this is too real for me. In my most depressed state, I do not see myself in my boys future. I only see their and my husband's lives without me. These fears are more prominent right now. When I notice something different happening to me like forgetting things that use to never be an issue; my mind goes straight to thinking the cancer has metastasized. I fixate on these little things and it just brings me down emotionally. Shortly after my diagnosis, I checked my life insurance policy to see when it expires. 49 is the "magic number" that weighs on me. If cancer is going to take me early, then I want it to happen before then. I want to leave my family with financial security. Wow, that was hard to type. My stomach is feeling a little queasy after sharing that. But this is how deep and how far my mind goes dealing with my mortality.
I'm also grieving the loss of my life before cancer. The obliviousness of anything bad ever happening to me; the 20 pounds less of me and everything else that I am not now. I have had quite a physical appearance change and I was handling it well for awhile. I knew over time my hair would grow back, I would exercise and get healthy, I will have symmetrical, perky boobs. All of that is not happening soon enough for me. I do not feel like the same person because I do not look like the same person. I am having a hard time living in the moment and everything that it has to offer.
I am receiving counseling which helped me a few days ago and plan to see her for as long as necessary to make it through this phase.
This blog may not make a lot of sense and I can't seem to wrap it up in a nice bow so that it reads well. It's just what it is.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Back on the Saddle
My boys have wanted me to get a bicycle for several years now. Every time, I told them, once they both could ride well without training wheels then I would get a bike. Well, that time has come. Yesterday, I went for a ride on my shiny, new bike with my husband. My first bike ride in probably 20+ years. I was a little caution to say the least. I felt like my boys as I watched them learn to ride their bike without training wheels for the first time...shaky and jerky.
At the end of our short jaunt, I challenged myself to pedal up my road, which has a decent incline to it, without success. I came to a stop and wasn't going to go any further even with all my efforts. As I unmounted the bike, I stumbled and dropped the bike. My legs were JELLO! My fitness level hit me right in the face!
When the boys found out that I went on my first ride, they were quick to ask if I fell down with a little chuckle behind the question. Those stinkers! John was quick to reassure them that I didn't fall but just stumbled.
Point of my story...I'm sharing what would have been, at one time, an embarrassing story that I would not have shared because of pride. I have grown so much through my cancer journey that I can laugh about this and chalk it up to an out-of-shape, middle-aged woman's experience with her new life! BRING IT ON!
At the end of our short jaunt, I challenged myself to pedal up my road, which has a decent incline to it, without success. I came to a stop and wasn't going to go any further even with all my efforts. As I unmounted the bike, I stumbled and dropped the bike. My legs were JELLO! My fitness level hit me right in the face!
When the boys found out that I went on my first ride, they were quick to ask if I fell down with a little chuckle behind the question. Those stinkers! John was quick to reassure them that I didn't fall but just stumbled.
Point of my story...I'm sharing what would have been, at one time, an embarrassing story that I would not have shared because of pride. I have grown so much through my cancer journey that I can laugh about this and chalk it up to an out-of-shape, middle-aged woman's experience with her new life! BRING IT ON!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
First Day Back to Work
I was warmly welcomed back by my coworkers. I felt loved! It was really nice to see everyone. I made my rounds through the building saying hello to people. If I missed you I apologize. I didn't want to make my whole first day about socializing, but I could have. Come see me if you want to visit.
I went back without a wig or hat; au naturel. I received lots of nice comments about it. Definitely boosted the confidence.
It was a great first day back; other than sore feet (I wore heels...what was I thinking! I have worn tennis shoes or nothing for the past eight months.) and turning my ankle in the parking lot and skinning my knee. (Because of those darn heels!) Chalked up as lesson learned.
Looking forward to the days ahead.
I went back without a wig or hat; au naturel. I received lots of nice comments about it. Definitely boosted the confidence.
It was a great first day back; other than sore feet (I wore heels...what was I thinking! I have worn tennis shoes or nothing for the past eight months.) and turning my ankle in the parking lot and skinning my knee. (Because of those darn heels!) Chalked up as lesson learned.
Looking forward to the days ahead.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Back to Work
I am going back to work tomorrow, Monday, April 8th. I have been on medical leave for eight months and have appreciated every minute of that time. I have been able to focus solely on my health and my family. I am blessed to be in a financial situation that allowed me to take that much time off. Very blessed that my company offers long term disability insurance. Never thought I would be needing that at this point or ever. Side note...if your company offers this benefit; I highly recommend that you pay the little amount of premium to have such a valuable coverage. (Maybe every company has to offer it; I'm not sure, but I'm going under the assumption that it is optional.) Nevertheless, I think it would be a good idea for you to look into it for peace of mind.
I am feeling excited and anxious at the same time about my return. It will be nice to get back to precancer life but the transition will be difficult for awhile. I look forward to seeing my coworkers again. I have received tons of support, thoughts and prayers from so many of them. I don't know how many times I can say that I am blessed but I truly am. The transition back to the working world will be a shift not just for me but for my family and my department at work. My department has handled things without me for so long, that this will be a change for them to incorporate me back into things. My husband will have to make some changes with his schedules so that the kids are taken care of. Today my son, Kalen, asked if I was going back to work tomorrow and I said yes. He had a sad face and said "that means we won't see you as much". My boys are worried about the change also. We will make it through; just have to take it day by day.
I would love prayers for a smooth transition for everyone involved during this next phase of my life.
I am feeling excited and anxious at the same time about my return. It will be nice to get back to precancer life but the transition will be difficult for awhile. I look forward to seeing my coworkers again. I have received tons of support, thoughts and prayers from so many of them. I don't know how many times I can say that I am blessed but I truly am. The transition back to the working world will be a shift not just for me but for my family and my department at work. My department has handled things without me for so long, that this will be a change for them to incorporate me back into things. My husband will have to make some changes with his schedules so that the kids are taken care of. Today my son, Kalen, asked if I was going back to work tomorrow and I said yes. He had a sad face and said "that means we won't see you as much". My boys are worried about the change also. We will make it through; just have to take it day by day.
I would love prayers for a smooth transition for everyone involved during this next phase of my life.
Three Weeks After Radiation
I am so grateful for the continuous recovery. Each day gets better and not worse. I feel like I am at my highest point, emotionally and physically, than I have in a very long time. You have seen the worst of radiation so I thought I should show you how it does get better.
I can lay on my side without pain my range of motion has improved. It's amazing how the body can heal itself. I am one happy person!
In the past week and a half I have started walking for exercise. I plan to make exercise a priority going forward. Something new to focus on. Along with selling our house and going back to work. :)
I can lay on my side without pain my range of motion has improved. It's amazing how the body can heal itself. I am one happy person!
In the past week and a half I have started walking for exercise. I plan to make exercise a priority going forward. Something new to focus on. Along with selling our house and going back to work. :)
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Twelve Days After Radiation Therapy
Things are getting better and better each day. I have new skin growing and a lot of the swelling has gone down. I have another picture to share showing the progress.
I still have to bandage the skin with the topical antibiotic cream, Silvadene, for at least two more days to prevent any bacterial infections.
My spirits are higher and my energy level is increasing. Normalcy is in sight!!
I still have to bandage the skin with the topical antibiotic cream, Silvadene, for at least two more days to prevent any bacterial infections.
My spirits are higher and my energy level is increasing. Normalcy is in sight!!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Status
When I saw my medical oncologist for my last routine visit, I asked what my status is considered now. He said the best way to say it is that I HAD breast cancer. He didn't want to use the word remission but now I'm not exactly sure why. I looked up the definition and remission refers to periods of time when a person with a long-lasting illness does not have symptoms. During a remission, a person returns to his or her usual state of health. I guess I would say that I am in remission.
Four Days After Radiation Therapy
I was very fortunate that during my radiation treatments it went very smoothly. However, at my last treatment, my skin started to break open. Over the weekend, my skin got worse and worse. The black, dead skin is peeling and now there is raw, red exposed skin. It has been very painful and hard to sleep at night. I have a picture to share. Hope it doesn't gross you out too much!
The white is the medicine called Silvadene. The greenish stuff is my dead skin. I saw the doctor today and it is progressing as expected. He told me by the weekend, I should feel less pain and a new layer of skin should be forming.
I shared the photo so that others who may go through this can see what could potentially happen. This is worse than I ever anticipated. My doctor told me to take some Percocet for the pain and it has been helping. Wish I would have taken it over the weekend since I already had some left over from my surgery.
Going to rest now.
The white is the medicine called Silvadene. The greenish stuff is my dead skin. I saw the doctor today and it is progressing as expected. He told me by the weekend, I should feel less pain and a new layer of skin should be forming.
I shared the photo so that others who may go through this can see what could potentially happen. This is worse than I ever anticipated. My doctor told me to take some Percocet for the pain and it has been helping. Wish I would have taken it over the weekend since I already had some left over from my surgery.
Going to rest now.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Radiation Journey
This will be a very short summary of my radiation course of treatment. It began January 30, 2013 with the planning appointment. Films were taken to layout exactly where I was to be radiated. Basically, trying to avoid my heart and lung. Once that was determined, they marked me with little tattoo dots so that I would be lined up the same way each time I was under the machine. I was nervous about the tattoos thinking it was going to be painful, but it wasn't at all. It was just a little prick and their so small, that they blend in with my other freckles.
I had my first radiation treatment on February 4, 2013. There are a total of 28 treatments with one a day Monday through Friday. The first week was very uneventful. I didn't notice anything different. The second week went well, except when Friday rolled around, I couldn't stop yawning and I had to take a nap. The third week was the first big snow storm that we had. So I didn't have a treatment on Thursday or Friday, so one got tacked on to the end and the other I had to do on that Saturday. There were a few of us that they wanted to continue treatment and not have a delay. Again that Friday and actually the weekend, I was tired and slept as much as I could.
There was another snow storm in my fourth week and had to postpone one of my treatments to that Saturday as well. The kids had a snow day from school, and had to come with me to my appointment. To not bum then out, I told them we would go across the street to Stephens Lake Park so that they could go sledding afterward. Most of my appointments took from 20 minutes to 30 minutes. However, this day took an hour and the boys were so anxious to get out of there. I felt bad for them, but they toughed it out and got to sled for about an hour. I went down the hill once and that was enough for me. Too bumpy! Like clockwork, that Friday I was fatigued again. The kids didn't have school, so my awesome sister took them to the library so that I could take a nap.
I didn't have a lot of pain or discomfort with the burn until the fifth week. In my armpit, there is a painful and swollen burn. It turned black and the skin was peeling exposing pink, raw skin. My skin is itchy where I have been radiated. The total burn area is the shape of a square over the left side of my chest. I wanted to take a picture to show you what it looks like, but I couldn't get a G-rated version and the picture just doesn't show how bad it is. Fatigue was still a factor, but napping always helped.
I'm in my sixth week now. Actually, I have just one more treatment left, tomorrow, March 14, 2013. I am so ready for it to be over! The burn is so bad that it is hard for me to sleep. Just to change positions takes a lot of effort so that I don't stretch and tear the skin, which is quite painful. The burn in my armpit is peeling more and hurts the most. It's in a spot where there is skin to skin contact and friction, so peeling my skin and clothes off the burn is not helping the healing process. I try not to move my arm too much so that I don't exasperate the wound.
People have asked if radiation is worse than chemo. That is a hard question to give a straight and simple answer. Each treatment has their goods and bads about them. Which would I prefer...neither...but I would say chemo was probably the hardest because of the longer stent of side effects. With radiation, I started feeling pain in the fifth week and I was told that it will probably take about two weeks for the pain and soreness to go away after the last treatment. So that is four weeks of dealing with pain unlike chemo's ups and downs for 16 weeks.
Ultimately, I would take and have taken all the goods and bads; ups and downs to kick cancers ass!
I had my first radiation treatment on February 4, 2013. There are a total of 28 treatments with one a day Monday through Friday. The first week was very uneventful. I didn't notice anything different. The second week went well, except when Friday rolled around, I couldn't stop yawning and I had to take a nap. The third week was the first big snow storm that we had. So I didn't have a treatment on Thursday or Friday, so one got tacked on to the end and the other I had to do on that Saturday. There were a few of us that they wanted to continue treatment and not have a delay. Again that Friday and actually the weekend, I was tired and slept as much as I could.
There was another snow storm in my fourth week and had to postpone one of my treatments to that Saturday as well. The kids had a snow day from school, and had to come with me to my appointment. To not bum then out, I told them we would go across the street to Stephens Lake Park so that they could go sledding afterward. Most of my appointments took from 20 minutes to 30 minutes. However, this day took an hour and the boys were so anxious to get out of there. I felt bad for them, but they toughed it out and got to sled for about an hour. I went down the hill once and that was enough for me. Too bumpy! Like clockwork, that Friday I was fatigued again. The kids didn't have school, so my awesome sister took them to the library so that I could take a nap.
I didn't have a lot of pain or discomfort with the burn until the fifth week. In my armpit, there is a painful and swollen burn. It turned black and the skin was peeling exposing pink, raw skin. My skin is itchy where I have been radiated. The total burn area is the shape of a square over the left side of my chest. I wanted to take a picture to show you what it looks like, but I couldn't get a G-rated version and the picture just doesn't show how bad it is. Fatigue was still a factor, but napping always helped.
I'm in my sixth week now. Actually, I have just one more treatment left, tomorrow, March 14, 2013. I am so ready for it to be over! The burn is so bad that it is hard for me to sleep. Just to change positions takes a lot of effort so that I don't stretch and tear the skin, which is quite painful. The burn in my armpit is peeling more and hurts the most. It's in a spot where there is skin to skin contact and friction, so peeling my skin and clothes off the burn is not helping the healing process. I try not to move my arm too much so that I don't exasperate the wound.
People have asked if radiation is worse than chemo. That is a hard question to give a straight and simple answer. Each treatment has their goods and bads about them. Which would I prefer...neither...but I would say chemo was probably the hardest because of the longer stent of side effects. With radiation, I started feeling pain in the fifth week and I was told that it will probably take about two weeks for the pain and soreness to go away after the last treatment. So that is four weeks of dealing with pain unlike chemo's ups and downs for 16 weeks.
Ultimately, I would take and have taken all the goods and bads; ups and downs to kick cancers ass!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Realization
I wrote this one on January 30th.
~~~~~~~~~
I'm at this point that I am feeling better post-surgery. My mind isn't constantly on pain or discomfort. It is now focused on cancer. I have been in survival mode since I was diagnosed so I really haven't processed the meaning of breast cancer. What I know of it is what my doctors told me, but I never took the time or had the time to think it through. I think that is why, in my mind, I haven't made it a big deal. I was going to do whatever it took to aggressively fight the cancer and then be done with it. When this is all over and years down the road, I would see this as a blip in my life. I would move on like nothing ever happened. This, my friends, is called DENIAL or NAIVE. Maybe this was the coping mechanism I needed to make it through everything I have been through to this point. Thinking beyond this time may have been too much for me to handle.
What I am getting at is that I have come to a realization that once I have completed radiation, that does not make me CURED. There is no cure for breast cancer. The chemotherapy, the double mastectomy, the radiation treatments, and the estrogen-blocking pill, Tamoxifen, are all aggressive measures to rid my body of the existing cancer and hope that it got any other cancer cells lingering around. Only time will tell if I have a recurrence.
I'm learning my prognosis is always better as time goes on without a recurrence. The first two years have a higher percentage for it coming back. So my medical oncologist will see me two or three times each year in the next couple of years just to check in with me. Five years is like a magic number...recurrence greatly diminishes at this milestone.
I'm not trying to be a downer about this, but realistic. This is a disease that I have to manage and be aware.
I have done some reading and learned more about my disease. I probably have had these cancer cells for 8-10 years but were not able to be detected until now. During that time there was plenty of opportunity for the cancer cells to get out of the breast and spread to the rest of the my body.
~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't post this because I was still learning but also felt I was being too negative at the time. I had just finished reading a book about four young women who where battling breast cancer. Two of them died after it recurred a few years after their diagnosis. Their cancer was caught early but still had a recurrence. This scared me, and to be honest, it still weighs on my mind. I'm sure as time goes on, those thoughts will lessen.
~~~~~~~~~
I'm at this point that I am feeling better post-surgery. My mind isn't constantly on pain or discomfort. It is now focused on cancer. I have been in survival mode since I was diagnosed so I really haven't processed the meaning of breast cancer. What I know of it is what my doctors told me, but I never took the time or had the time to think it through. I think that is why, in my mind, I haven't made it a big deal. I was going to do whatever it took to aggressively fight the cancer and then be done with it. When this is all over and years down the road, I would see this as a blip in my life. I would move on like nothing ever happened. This, my friends, is called DENIAL or NAIVE. Maybe this was the coping mechanism I needed to make it through everything I have been through to this point. Thinking beyond this time may have been too much for me to handle.
What I am getting at is that I have come to a realization that once I have completed radiation, that does not make me CURED. There is no cure for breast cancer. The chemotherapy, the double mastectomy, the radiation treatments, and the estrogen-blocking pill, Tamoxifen, are all aggressive measures to rid my body of the existing cancer and hope that it got any other cancer cells lingering around. Only time will tell if I have a recurrence.
I'm learning my prognosis is always better as time goes on without a recurrence. The first two years have a higher percentage for it coming back. So my medical oncologist will see me two or three times each year in the next couple of years just to check in with me. Five years is like a magic number...recurrence greatly diminishes at this milestone.
I'm not trying to be a downer about this, but realistic. This is a disease that I have to manage and be aware.
I have done some reading and learned more about my disease. I probably have had these cancer cells for 8-10 years but were not able to be detected until now. During that time there was plenty of opportunity for the cancer cells to get out of the breast and spread to the rest of the my body.
~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't post this because I was still learning but also felt I was being too negative at the time. I had just finished reading a book about four young women who where battling breast cancer. Two of them died after it recurred a few years after their diagnosis. Their cancer was caught early but still had a recurrence. This scared me, and to be honest, it still weighs on my mind. I'm sure as time goes on, those thoughts will lessen.
Apologies
I have been very irresponsible with my blog. I have allowed you to be vested in my journey and then I disappear. Please forgive me! My blog is always on my mind and when something happens I think that would be great to post, but as time went on, it was too overwhelming for me to post something without catching everyone up.
Well, I've just got to do it. It will take me some time but I will catch you up. I will do more posts with specific topics. That way I feel I can share with you what I want to share without writing a book. We will see how it goes. :)
This past week, I have had several followers check up on me looking for an update. Thank you for the nudge!
Friday, January 25, 2013
Week 6 Post-op
It's amazing how quickly a body can heal in just a weeks time. I read my last post and realized how much progress has been made in my recovery. Six weeks after surgery is the time that my doctor said I would have fewer to no restrictions on how much I use my arms and that six weeks is when I would feel more normal. I didn't believe him at the time because of the constant pain and discomfort I was experiencing, but he was right. I feel like I can use my arms like normal...almost. I test the limits and realize certain things are still difficult. The day of an expansion and the next day, I revert back to very limited use.
Oh, update...you will be happy to know that I finally was able to stretch my arms far enough to shave my arm pits. :) Gotta celebrate the progress...big and small!
I had my fifth expansion on Tuesday, January 22nd. The previous four, I had 60 mL added to each expander. This time I had 120 mL added to each since I am coming up on my radiation treatments. Wow, was that uncomfortable for a few days.
The same day, I met with my radiation oncologist. As I was hoping, I received some good news from him based on the pathology report. I will not have to do the 30 treatments like initially thought. I will be doing 25; so 5 weeks instead of 6. I'll take it!!
I have one more expansion scheduled for Tuesday, January 29th and that will be the last time I see the plastic surgeon for at least six months. Then the next day, Wednesday, January 30th, is the planning session for radiation. My understanding of this is that they line my body up to the machine for the area that is being radiated. Then they tattoo little dots to be markers for the following treatments. I'm not sure if I will have a treatment that day or not.
I've learned a little more about the side effects of radiation treatments. The main two are tiredness and sunburn-like skin. The tiredness was described as a slow decline where it would get worse as the weeks go on and then would be a gradual incline to normalcy after the last treatment. The constant exposure to radiation will irritate my skin to the point that it will be like a bad sunburn and blistering around the scars. Just when I'm close to normal, I have to start another awful process.
Prayers are welcome as I begin on this new path of my journey.
Oh, update...you will be happy to know that I finally was able to stretch my arms far enough to shave my arm pits. :) Gotta celebrate the progress...big and small!
I had my fifth expansion on Tuesday, January 22nd. The previous four, I had 60 mL added to each expander. This time I had 120 mL added to each since I am coming up on my radiation treatments. Wow, was that uncomfortable for a few days.
The same day, I met with my radiation oncologist. As I was hoping, I received some good news from him based on the pathology report. I will not have to do the 30 treatments like initially thought. I will be doing 25; so 5 weeks instead of 6. I'll take it!!
I have one more expansion scheduled for Tuesday, January 29th and that will be the last time I see the plastic surgeon for at least six months. Then the next day, Wednesday, January 30th, is the planning session for radiation. My understanding of this is that they line my body up to the machine for the area that is being radiated. Then they tattoo little dots to be markers for the following treatments. I'm not sure if I will have a treatment that day or not.
I've learned a little more about the side effects of radiation treatments. The main two are tiredness and sunburn-like skin. The tiredness was described as a slow decline where it would get worse as the weeks go on and then would be a gradual incline to normalcy after the last treatment. The constant exposure to radiation will irritate my skin to the point that it will be like a bad sunburn and blistering around the scars. Just when I'm close to normal, I have to start another awful process.
Prayers are welcome as I begin on this new path of my journey.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Week 5 Post-Op
It is now 5 weeks after surgery. I have made some progress with recovery. I can't say I am 100% and quite irritated that I'm not. I can do more things around the house but have to be careful with the amount of weight I lift and how far I stretch. I tire easy. I will be Gung Ho about doing something and then in a short period of time I get cranky because the soreness and pain is too much. I hate it!! I want to be done with this by now. The weekly expansions are prolonging my recovery and the sides of my chest are still swollen and painful. I still have difficulty reaching too far over my head (if I don't get to shave my armpits soon, you can call me Amazon woman); any flexing of my pectoral muscles is painful and awkward feeling. I didn't realize how much we use our pectoral muscles for everyday activities. It is difficult to open jars/bottles; to reach out, grab and hold something; even to cut my food. It all sucks.
I wrote that paragraph two days ago and if you can't tell, I was not feeling too good about life. I was afraid I was slipping into a depression, but today was a good day. A friend picked me up to have lunch. I so needed to get out of the house. I can't drive yet because of the pain it causes and the limited range of motion. I took a drive last week to see how I would do and it was PAINFUL. The amount of use of the pecs to turn the wheel was more than I anticipated. I made a lot of slow, wide turns. :) Couldn't wait to get back home.
I have had a total of 4 expansions so far (the check-in women called it "inflations"...I got a chuckle out of that). That is 240 mL in each expander. I was told that I will need about 4 or 5 more expansions to get to a size D. That is about 600 mL in each breast. I will not be able to get all of the expansions done before radiation, but I think I can get at least 2 more in. I questioned why I was in pain all the time and if I should be. Basically, I wanted to maker sure I wasn't being a wimp. The doctor told me that because I am having rapid expansions, I will feel discomfort consistently. Normally, if they were expanding someone without a time constraint, then they would allow for 2 or 3 weeks between expansions. I felt justified that I wasn't being a baby about the pain.
The doctors neglected to show me what the tissue expanders look like before surgery, but I also forgot to ask. I mentioned it at my last visit and I got to see what was actually inside my body. The expanders look and feel like a thick soft plastic with a hard circle port for the injection site. It has three tabs on it so that it can be secured into place. You ask what is it secured to? That was my question. They are being held into place by securing the tabs to my ribs. CRAZY!! It did help explain a lot about some of my pains.
Some people have asked what the expansion process is like. I go into a room and wait to see which resident doctor will see me this day. My plastic surgeon has 10 residents under his watch. I haven't seen all of them but I'm getting close. The doctor uses a magnetic device to find the port for inserting the needle. Most of the time there is a nurse and doctor or two doctors that fill them both at the same time. They have to poke these large needles through my skin and muscle to reach the port site and push saline out of these very large syringes. Each time I have gotten 60 mL in each breast. I don't watch but my sister has gone with me for most of them and she can see them expanding. I feel very tight in the chest afterward and lose some range of motion. I'm not on any painkillers; just ibuprofen when it is too much to handle.
Sadly, I am still sleeping in the recliner. A few times I have started out in my bed but 4 hours later, I wake up and am hurting so I go back to the recliner.
I started taking the estrogen-blocking pill, Tamoxifen, last week and will be on that pill for 10 years. It used to be 5 years but there have been recent talk in the medical world that 10 years would yield a better prognosis. My doctor emphasized how important it is to take this pill every day; just as important as chemotherapy. This pill will decrease my chances for reoccurrence, however, there are side effects...weight gain, mood swings, hot flashes...basically early menopause. Yay!! :( Oh, and an increased chance of ovarian cancer. All drugs have side effects, so I try not to let it worry me but knowing what they are is important. This drug has been around for over 25 years so I feel the pros outweigh the cons.
I wrote that paragraph two days ago and if you can't tell, I was not feeling too good about life. I was afraid I was slipping into a depression, but today was a good day. A friend picked me up to have lunch. I so needed to get out of the house. I can't drive yet because of the pain it causes and the limited range of motion. I took a drive last week to see how I would do and it was PAINFUL. The amount of use of the pecs to turn the wheel was more than I anticipated. I made a lot of slow, wide turns. :) Couldn't wait to get back home.
I have had a total of 4 expansions so far (the check-in women called it "inflations"...I got a chuckle out of that). That is 240 mL in each expander. I was told that I will need about 4 or 5 more expansions to get to a size D. That is about 600 mL in each breast. I will not be able to get all of the expansions done before radiation, but I think I can get at least 2 more in. I questioned why I was in pain all the time and if I should be. Basically, I wanted to maker sure I wasn't being a wimp. The doctor told me that because I am having rapid expansions, I will feel discomfort consistently. Normally, if they were expanding someone without a time constraint, then they would allow for 2 or 3 weeks between expansions. I felt justified that I wasn't being a baby about the pain.
The doctors neglected to show me what the tissue expanders look like before surgery, but I also forgot to ask. I mentioned it at my last visit and I got to see what was actually inside my body. The expanders look and feel like a thick soft plastic with a hard circle port for the injection site. It has three tabs on it so that it can be secured into place. You ask what is it secured to? That was my question. They are being held into place by securing the tabs to my ribs. CRAZY!! It did help explain a lot about some of my pains.
Some people have asked what the expansion process is like. I go into a room and wait to see which resident doctor will see me this day. My plastic surgeon has 10 residents under his watch. I haven't seen all of them but I'm getting close. The doctor uses a magnetic device to find the port for inserting the needle. Most of the time there is a nurse and doctor or two doctors that fill them both at the same time. They have to poke these large needles through my skin and muscle to reach the port site and push saline out of these very large syringes. Each time I have gotten 60 mL in each breast. I don't watch but my sister has gone with me for most of them and she can see them expanding. I feel very tight in the chest afterward and lose some range of motion. I'm not on any painkillers; just ibuprofen when it is too much to handle.
Sadly, I am still sleeping in the recliner. A few times I have started out in my bed but 4 hours later, I wake up and am hurting so I go back to the recliner.
I started taking the estrogen-blocking pill, Tamoxifen, last week and will be on that pill for 10 years. It used to be 5 years but there have been recent talk in the medical world that 10 years would yield a better prognosis. My doctor emphasized how important it is to take this pill every day; just as important as chemotherapy. This pill will decrease my chances for reoccurrence, however, there are side effects...weight gain, mood swings, hot flashes...basically early menopause. Yay!! :( Oh, and an increased chance of ovarian cancer. All drugs have side effects, so I try not to let it worry me but knowing what they are is important. This drug has been around for over 25 years so I feel the pros outweigh the cons.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Post-surgery Pathology Report (Double Mastectomy)
I forgot to share with you the pathology report after surgery. Actually, my surgeon forgot to call me and explain the results so I called her today to find out the official results.
No cancer cells were found in the lymph nodes, no cancer in the right breast, and the initial diagnosis of Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) in my left breast turned to Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS), which was all great news. What that all means is that:
I'M CANER FREE!!!
My doctor said this was an excellent result. The chemotherapy killed the cancer that was on the outside of the duct which made the cancer invasive and aggressive (IDC) and the mastectomy removed the rest of the cancer that was isolated inside the duct (DCIS).
These results still do not keep me from having radiation. I'm not sure exactly why but I will get that information from my radiation oncologist next Tuesday, January 22nd. I met with him right before surgery and his initial recommendation was 30 treatments, which is 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That treatment plan may or may not change based on these results.
I will be posting more updates shortly.
No cancer cells were found in the lymph nodes, no cancer in the right breast, and the initial diagnosis of Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (IDC) in my left breast turned to Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS), which was all great news. What that all means is that:
I'M CANER FREE!!!
My doctor said this was an excellent result. The chemotherapy killed the cancer that was on the outside of the duct which made the cancer invasive and aggressive (IDC) and the mastectomy removed the rest of the cancer that was isolated inside the duct (DCIS).
These results still do not keep me from having radiation. I'm not sure exactly why but I will get that information from my radiation oncologist next Tuesday, January 22nd. I met with him right before surgery and his initial recommendation was 30 treatments, which is 5 days a week for 6 weeks. That treatment plan may or may not change based on these results.
I will be posting more updates shortly.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)