Phase II of Cancer

So, I didn't know that there was a Phase II to this cancer thing, but it's true and I am in the midst of it.  I had an oncology appointment, June 6, 2013; just my routine quarterly visit.  I had several things to talk with him about concerning the effects of the Tamoxifen drug.  I have been having numerous hot flashes all through the day, night sweats that when I wake up I am drenched, forgetfulness, major mood swings, fatigue and depression.  That is a nasty combination to live life through and the boiling point erupted for me the past two days after about a month of suppressing the emotions or just thinking they would go away.  Anger, irritation, frustration, worry and hopelessness all came to a head.  I spoke with the counselor at Missouri Cancer Associates after my doctor appointment, and after visiting with her, she validated and verified what I was feeling was normal and expected.  She wanted to remind me that I am still dealing with cancer.  It is not over and all behind me.  I am in what she called Phase II...the emotional stage.

Up til this point, I have been in survival mode.  Doing whatever it took to survive and beat the cancer.  Well, after radiation I felt that I had beaten it.  I took all the necessary steps to rid my body of cancer.  I thought I was done and life could move on.  I went back to work; we sold our house and moved to a place that eliminated home-ownership stress; now things can go back to normal.  However, in the short stint of calm and normalcy, the emotions and feelings found their way to the surface.  I thought I was done with cancer in my mind but on the flip side didn't want cancer out of my life.  I have gone through a lot to get where I am today.  I can't just let that go and move on like it never happened.  However, to me, it seems that everyone else has moved on thinking my journey has ended.  As hard as this is to say, I feel abandoned by my family and friends.  In my mind I know you haven't forgotten, but my feelings do not listen to my head.  I feel selfish that I still need the attention, love and support that I got in the beginning.  What do I do about this?  I have to start asking for your help.  As hard as it was to accept your help, asking for it is so much harder. I don't know what the help will consist of but hopefully I can figure that out soon.  

I am at a raw point with my feelings and am choosing to share these with you to not scare you or expect you to fix anything.  I just feel it is my place to be real, as my blog was intended to not only update family but also educate...share all aspects of the cancer journey.

Along with the feelings of abandonment; I worry/fear that my cancer will return.  I know this is all normal as well, however, this is too real for me.  In my most depressed state, I do not see myself in my boys future.  I only see their and my husband's lives without me.  These fears are more prominent right now.  When I notice something different happening to me like forgetting things that use to never be an issue; my mind goes straight to thinking the cancer has metastasized.  I fixate on these little things and it just brings me down emotionally.  Shortly after my diagnosis, I checked my life insurance policy to see when it expires.  49 is the "magic number" that weighs on me.  If cancer is going to take me early, then I want it to happen before then.  I want to leave my family with financial security.  Wow, that was hard to type.  My stomach is feeling a little queasy after sharing that.  But this is how deep and how far my mind goes dealing with my mortality.

I'm also grieving the loss of my life before cancer.  The obliviousness of anything bad ever happening to me; the 20 pounds less of me and everything else that I am not now.  I have had quite a physical appearance change and I was handling it well for awhile.  I knew over time my hair would grow back, I would exercise and get healthy, I will have symmetrical, perky boobs.  All of that is not happening soon enough for me.  I do not feel like the same person because I do not look like the same person.  I am having a hard time living in the moment and everything  that it has to offer.

I am receiving counseling which helped me a few days ago and plan to see her for as long as necessary to make it through this phase.

This blog may not make a lot of sense and I can't seem to wrap it up in a nice bow so that it reads well.  It's just what it is.