Today, two years ago, I was told that I had breast cancer, and life has not been the same since. I don’t think I will ever forget the moment reality hit and I was scared for my life, but that didn’t come until two days later. The first tumor diagnosis didn’t faze me too much (I didn’t know it was there and it was very small); it was when the second lump/tumor (the one I originally went in to have checked out) came back cancerous as well.
I’m glad to have this day to recognize as it allows me to reflect back on the journey and see how far I have come and what kind of person I have become because of it. I first need to celebrate this day…Woooo Hooo!!...Thank you God!!...Life is Good!!! This anniversary date is a big one according to my oncologist. With the aggressive nature of my type of cancer, the probability of it returning is at its highest in the first two years. From there, the percentages drop as each year moves further away from diagnosis.
This journey has challenged me both physically and mentally. I am proud of how I persevered through all of the physical pain from chemo sickness to surgery recovery to radiation 3rd degree burn. I never really was scared about each procedure in and of itself. (I may have to go back and read some of my previous posts to confirm.) I agree with the phrase “Ignorance is bliss.”, and believe carried me through because I look back now and sometimes don’t know how I did it. I guess when you’re faced with it; you just do what you have to do. Humility has been my greatest positive. Having no hair and no boobs and packing on 40 pounds proved to me that I am still the same person regardless of the physical changes. It gave me a perspective to look past other peoples differences and know that they are just like me. Humbling myself has allowed me to let go of the pressures of being perfect (as there is no such thing). I make mistakes and it does not make me any less of a person. What liberation!!
As for the mental/emotional challenges, I believe was/is the hardest of this journey. For the longest time I was not emotionally equipped to express my thoughts and feelings. It either came out as anger or depression, isolation or avoidance. My journey has put my emotional health to the test and I have grown tremendously because of it. I’m not saying I do everything right by any means, like I’m “supposed” to, but more often than not, I will stand up for myself and let my thoughts and feelings be known. I seem to have this inner strength that I didn’t have before. In these two years, like I have said before, my emotions have been a roller coaster ride. I have gone from having the most confidence in myself to debilitating depression. From looking forward to my future to not wanting to be here, I deal with both extremes from time to time but right now I am in a good place and I see my future again.
The fear of the cancer returning filled my thoughts everyday until most recently. I would check for signs of lumps/bumps on my breast and under my arms multiple times throughout the day. Whenever I had an ache or pain anywhere on my body, I would think it was my cancer coming back. This type of thinking basically put my life at a standstill. I did not have a desire to set goals, plan for the future or try to be happy for the fear that once things went back to "normal" then that is when the cancer would catch my by surprise. I didn't want any more surprises. I have noticed over the past few months that I do not think about it as often, which means at least once a day I am somehow reminded. That is progress! It doesn't consume me like it once did. I have been told by other survivors that the fear does subside over time. I look forward to when that happens for me.
The journey continues. I am still taking a hormone pill to suppress estrogen and will probably have to for 8 more years. I have another reconstructive surgery scheduled for July 28, 2014. The plastic surgeon will do some fixes to make my breasts have a more natural appearance. From there, I hope to be able to get my nipple tattoos no later than the end of this year, but sooner would make me happy.
I want to express my appreciation for the love and concern for me these past two years. I may need to alter what I said earlier...I think learning that I am loved has been the greatest positive from this experience. I cherish and relish in the love and support from my entire community of friends and family. I love each and everyone of you too!
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