Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up at 3:00 this morning and laid there for an hour trying to go back to sleep.  It didn't work, so I am up now to reflect on what has been going through my head.


I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach, I thought it was just that I was hungry because I have not been eating very well; mostly quick foods like cereal and soda.  I know...not good!  But then as my mind started to wander, I wondered if it was anxiety or something.  It must be because I love my sleep and being up at this hour is atypical for me.


I am going to work this morning, so that could be the culprit.  I'm anxious to know how people will react and interact with me.  Will they pretend that they do not know and act like everything is normal or will I be bombarded with expressions of concern.  I'm not exactly sure what I want.  I think I would feel more comfortable if people just let me know that they know.  That will break the awkwardness.  So if my coworkers are reading this, don't be afraid to come up to me.  I'm ready!


I had my MRI last night.  It was not fun.  I was challenged physically and mentally.  I get there and have to answer a lot of questions which heightened my anxiety that I didn't know I had.  I didn't realize that I was going to have an IV for the contrast dye.  I think that made it more real/serious to me because the only other time I knew about an IV for an MRI was when my mom found out she had lung cancer.  Remembering her experiences and pain, scares me because I start to think about what I will probably have to go through as well.


I think about how possible chemo could incapacitate my normal abilities and cause me to rely on others for help and become a burden.  Those are ugly, nasty feelings that I am grappling with to prepare myself if/when that time comes.  I could just deny those feelings and try to feel only positive feeling but I know they will make their way to the surface at some point, so I need to struggle with them now.


Back to the MRI...I did not realize how loud the machine was!  The girl stated it would be loud and offered me ear plugs and/or headphones for music but I opted only for headphone...I will ask for both next time.  WOW it was really loud!  Sometimes it felt like I was standing right next to a fire alarm that has  a honking, buzzing sound (not sure how else to describe it).  I was fine for the first 10 minutes but by the end of the 30 minutes of constant irritating noise, I was drained.  My brain was done for the rest of the night.  Don't get me wrong, I persevered and did not move or complain (that's my competitive nature), but it was a challenge.  I had to try and preoccupy my mind with other thoughts so that I didn't focus on what was happening and that I wanted to move this part of my body or just come unglued.  I have a high tolerance for pain, but irritating noises not so much.


I was told I will not get results for a couple of days, so I am thinking, by Friday morning, if I do not hear anything, then I will call and see if they will tell me anything.  I will keep you posted.