It is 4:00 in the morning now and I have been awake since 3:00, so I thought I would get up and catch you up on events and issues that I am going through instead of lying in bed letting my thoughts create anxiety.
Friday
My day started at 2:00 am. I woke up feeling anxious about my needs. I have been very fortunate that so many people want to help us however they can. I am so grateful for this, however, it is not easy for me to accept. While I was awake, my thoughts were swimming with "what are my needs, what are needs?". I have been really struggling with my pride and being humble. I have never been in this situation and I believe this is a test of my character. I get nauseous and my heart races just thinking about asking to have my needs met. See why I couldn't sleep! I would venture to say that there are many of you who can relate.
5:30 am came around and decided I had enough tossing and turning, so I got dressed and went for a walk with my dog. He was quite excited about that to say the least. During my walk I was thinking about work and not wanting to go and thinking about the next week with still not really knowing what the next steps were. I knew there was going to be surgery and knew that I have a lot of things to get done and want to do before this life changing event. So, I had decided that Friday was going to be my last day to begin my leave of absence. I felt this relief come over me that I didn't have to think about work any longer. I was able to start thinking about the things I want to do with my kids and around the house. I would relate it to nesting during pregnancy. :)
When I get to work to share that it was my last day, everyone was very understanding and supportive. I am so grateful for Columbia Insurance Group. They do truly value life and family! I finished up some odds and ends so that I did not leave anyone hanging during my time away.
I am taking five weeks off as of now to prepare for what is about to happen and to allow for healing and the unexpected. I am looking forward to a couple of days next week where I take my boys out of camp and go swimming and see a movie and hopefully play a lot of games with them while I am able to. Very excited about this!
In the evening John had a gig to go to (he is a drummer) and the boys and I went out to eat with my parents. Kalen, my youngest, wanted to stay the night with them, so Aden and I had the evening together. While driving home it was quiet in the car and it seems like a good time to give Aden a little more information as to what is happening. I first asked him if he understood what I told him a couple of days ago and he didn't answer so I started off by saying: "I have an icky disease in one of my boobies that I have to get rid of. I will have surgery to cut it off (he gasped and put his hand over his mouth...poor choice of words and back tracked to soften my words). I will be taking some medicine to try and kill the disease that will make me nauseous, throw up and be very tired. I will more than likely loose my hair." He got scared at that point and began to cry saying "I don't want you to loose your hair." I tried to comfort him by saying, "I won't look bald all the time, I will wear some cute hats and scarves to cover my head." We were almost home. "When we get inside Mommy wants to give you a big hug and hold you if that is okay?" And he nodded. He was quick to get inside, took his shoes off and ran over to me, sat on my lap and we squeezed each other for a long time. When he felt comforted he asked "Do you want to play a game?" "Absolutely, what game do you want to play?" I said. "I want play what you want to play." "How about Battleship?" "Okay, I will go get it." He ran downstairs got the game and we played. This seemed to be very comforting to him. After the game, he walked over to me to give me a hug and started to cry saying, "I don't want you to be bald." I asked why. "Because you are very, very beautiful with long hair." Wow, that melted my heart. "Will it grow back?" I reassured him that it would.
He has been very close to me ever since and I love how much he is affectionate. I asked him not to say anything to Kalen until I talk to him because I want to be able to answer his questions. He said, "Okay, will try hard not to."
Wooh, that was my Friday in a nutshell. I will share Saturday soon. It is now 5:30 and I want to try to go back to sleep.
Love and hugs to you all!
Hey Christina...I think I have a couple of books for you to read to your boys. I have them at school and I'm going there tomorrow. I will pick them up and get them to you!!! I may also have a video that I made for my class. I had to miss the first three weeks of school and knew that I would begin to look different and didn't want 25 5 year olds to worry about me. So, with the help of a good friend I made a video that was shown before I came back to school. I will also look for that and also share that with you just incase you might want to use it. Thinking of you!
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