On Top of the World

In the past 24 hours I have been receiving an out-pouring of love, support and encouragement from so many people.  Not only people that know me but complete strangers as well.  It feels incredible to know how much I am loved.  I wish that everyone could feel this everyday...everyone being so kind.  More of this needs to be spread to all that are close to us.  We are all hurting in some way or another and people expressing love to each other would mean so much.  It hasn't been like this all day, but man, it feels good.


I am not one who expresses a lot of emotion publicly or privately.  I like to appear stoic and show that I have everything together.  That did not happen today, but I didn't care, I was surrounded by people who love me and they just cried with me.  This would be my Woodcrest church family.  John and I go into church this morning, running late as usual, like we have everything together.  The awesome music that was played just would not let me stay strong.  I was crying, not tears building up but tears rolling down my cheeks.  Again this is not normal for me.  (I didn't realize the headaches that I get after sobbing.  I hope that goes away over time as I cry more and more.  Otherwise that part is going to suck!)


Anyway, the topic discussed was about leadership.  I thought, oh, I can handle this it will not have any relevance to what I am dealing with now.  Wrong...the last song that our awesome band performed was called Afterlife by Switchfoot.  You may be thinking, "That sounds morbid at a time like this", but that is not how I see it.  Hear the song at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6z-H3_hgEU.  The chorus is this:


Everyday
The world is made
A chance to change
But I feel the same


And I wonder why
would I wait till I die
to come alive?
I'm ready now
I'm not waiting for the afterlife


This was poignant to me because for a very long time I have been in a depression not knowing what my place is in this world and feeling insignificant.  I was not excited to get out of bed for another day of the same old same old.  I felt like I had no purpose.  I believed there was more for me but just didn't know what it was.  For about a month I have been praying to God "Open my eyes, my mind and my heart to Your will.  Let me know what it is that you want from me.  Why am I here?"


When I was diagnosed, yes, it was a shock and yes, I know I will be feeling all of the emotions that are more that what is on my Feelings Chart, but I felt like this is what I'm here for.  I don't know what the end result will be or what it is that God is doing through me, but I feel I have a purpose now.  I now welcome people to see me and know who I am because I have something to share.


I am seeing life in a whole new perspective.  I see my kids now with new eyes, I feel my husband's love with a softer heart and I know there is something good to be done by this.


Again, some of you may be thinking that I am delusional at this phase.  Maybe, but this is what keeps me going right now.


I am loving life at this moment and taking it all in.  I'm ready now and I'm not waiting for the afterlife.