I needed to tell the boys about my upcoming surgery since they were catching bits and pieces from my conversations with others. It was just me telling them since John was not there at the time I decided to share this information. Hindsight, I would have made sure he was there to help with the explaining. I did this about a week ago.
I let them know that I was having surgery on Wednesday and would probably be in the hospital for two nights. They both looked sad and asked why. I reminded them that I have cancer in my booby and since I have finished chemo that now I have to have surgery....here we go....here comes my bluntness......to cut off my boobies. I know, I know....as soon as I said it I wished I could have taken it back. The boys looked at me with wide eyes and I had to start back-peddling and find better choices of words. I think I was able to better explain but the damage was done. I scared my boys if they were not scared already. (I need more parenting lessons!) During our talk, there were a couple of times that Aden, my oldest, would clinch his fists and shake them saying, "I just want everything back to normal." I felt so sad for him and tried to explain that this is our new normal for a while but things will get better and over time I will have my hair back and have energy to do more things with both of them.
During this journey, Aden has not shared with his friends about my cancer. I tried to encourage him to share as much as he was comfortable with so that it didn't seem like a secret. He has had friends over a few times and I would walk around without my hat. I'm sure they are confused and wonder what is wrong. I understand that by not telling anyone, then it just stays in the family and everything else is normal for him on the outside. Surprisingly, the next day after our surgery talk, he came home from school and said that he told two of his friends about my surgery coming up. He said that one of his friend's and her mom would like to make a meal for us. This was a great teaching moment...I let him know how courageous it was for him to share that with his friends and by doing that, gave his friends the opportunity to want to help and support him. A few minutes later, I get a phone call. It was the girl's mother. She has seen me bald but never asked any questions and I never just came out and told her. Anyway, she was hesitantly asking how I was doing and I told her what I was going through. She said "That makes since based on what my daughter told me. I just wanted to call and make sure what was coming from my 8-year-old's mouth was true. She told me that you were having your boobies cut off." I chuckled and told her that was true. Obviously, what I said to Aden stuck with him. I can only imagine what his other friend's parents might be thinking. :)
Even now, Aden comes up to me and hugs me and tells me he doesn't want me to have surgery. I comfort him the best that I can. I know I haven't said much about Kalen, but he doesn't say much about it. He just goes on with what he does in his world. I need to check in with him tonight to see what he is feeling or thinking.
It is going to be hard leaving them tomorrow morning. They are going to school, and I can't imagine what they might be thinking or how they will act. I have let their teachers know so I am comforted knowing that there will be some eyes on them tomorrow.
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