I think the lack of posts to my blog is for the very reason in the title of this post. I have been trying, struggling, failing and succeeding at moving beyond cancer. There is no one right way to accomplish this (which can be very frustrating) and I'm not totally sure as to what percentage I have moved forward. There are many days that I am thankful for the experience because I have grown from them but then there are those days self-pity sets in and I question "Why me?". I still think about cancer everyday wondering if I will be one of those to have a recurrence and where will it show up. I'm still hoping time will diminish these thoughts.
To get you up-to-date on the different events that have happened in the past 6 months since I posted last, I will try to summarize as best I can.
One Year Anniversaries
Cancer Survivor - July 11 I started a post that day to recognize the day, but I didn't find it to be a very cheerful recognition as it was the start to my "life-altering" life. I couldn't find any good to it at the time, except for sad and scary memories. However, I understand the significance of it now...if I was not diagnosed when I was, there is no telling how much further the cancer would have spread or what my prognosis would have been. I also get the term "survivor" now, because the day I was diagnosised was the day I started to fight and beat cancer. I chose to fight and not give in to it. I say this day is worth recognizing!!
End of Chemo - November 14 This day came and went. But I reflected a lot on various days of that 16 weeks to see where I was compared to the following year.
Double Mastectomy/Reconstruction - December 12 This day will be unforgettable to me. This was a major surgery that took a lot of recovery time; not only physically but also mentally. On this day I reflected on the pain and misery, but I also rejoiced that it was behind me.
Reconstruction Progress
I have been back to see my plastic surgeon a few times for him to check out my progress. The initial timeline to finish reconstruction was at a minimum of one year after radiation but more than likely longer than that. However, he is pleased with the healing thus far, so maybe the one year mark will be my surgery time which would be around the middle to end of March. If that is the case I will probably look for a time in April to fit into my families very busy schedule.
I did have two more expansions completed, so I have maxed out the capacity of the expanders. That puts me at a solid "D" size. And I mean "solid" literally...these things feel like rocks sitting on my chest. I was reassured by my surgeon that they will feel "more" natural once the silicone implants are put in. I know they won't be "normal" natural the way they used to be but I can live with that.
When I was scheduled for my first expansion after radition, December 3, 2013, I was very nervous about the pain I was going to experience because I remember all the other times I had expansions; my chest felt so tight that I couldn't take in deep breaths; my range of motion in my arms and even turning from side to side was limited; and I could feel the stinging pain of the stretching under my skin. But, of course, it wasn't too bad. I had my husband there to be able to drive me home and it really wasn't necessary for him to take off of work to be there after all. That's the way it seems to work though...you expect one thing and the opposite happens. In this case, I was glad it was the opposite of my expectations. I felt discomfort for only a couple of days and things felt normal again.
My second expansion was done on January 14, 2014, and I went into it differently. My mindset was 'It won't be so bad this time, so nothing to worry about or no need to have my husband come along.' I'm sure you know where I'm going with this...it was PAINFUL...especially the radiated side! The expander on the radiated side was placed higher and toward my side, so once it was filled it felt like all the saline went into my armpit area. I definitely felt like I maxed them out. I could barely move and I still had to put my shirt back on and get home. Leaving the hospital I was hunched over walking to my car because there was no way I could stand straight up. Driving home was not fun either. It took about 5 days before I felt comfortable again. Even now, I still feel the stretching and twinges of pain on the radiated side. The first couple of days, I could only sleep on my back. That was a just a small reminder of what's to come. It's amazing how you can forget most of the pain and nuances of recovery. I remember now and am not so excited for this next surgery. I'm anxious to get this all behind me, but not looking forward to the recovery process.
I am scheduled to see my surgeon again on March 4, 2014, and I'm thinking I will have a surgery date at that time.
Thyroid
I am still struggling with regulating my thyroid. I have had a couple of blood tests done at my request because I wasn't feeling right, but each time the doctor came back and said it is within the normal range. Well, now I have had it with this normal range crap because it doesn't feel normal for me. I think I have been too passive for too long and now I have got to get it figured out. I'm not happy with the way I feel. Currently my dosage is 125 mcg every other day and I think it still needs to be increased. I have an appointment scheduled for February 4, 2014 and hopefully this will be the start of better things to come.
As I re-read my post, I hear a lot of negativity and frustration. I guess a lot of this explains the funk I have been in over the past several months. Hopefully, I will have fun stuff to share sometime soon!
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